VITROWORM CONSUMER INSTRUCTIONS
WARNING! Women should not consume a Vitroworm before the Second Trimester. If a Vitroworm is ingested before this period, Link your Physician immediately.
- Individuals consuming a Vitroworm without a Physician-approved prescription will be punished to the fullest extent of the law, as per the Philadelphia Prenatal Contract.
- Your Vitroworm must be consumed within twenty-four (24) hours of purchase. Do not consume your Vitroworm if more than twenty-four (24) hours have passed. Link your Physician for further details.
- Never consume a Vitroworm except for the reasons prescribed. Consumption of a Vitroworm in an uncontrolled recreational situation may result in a Vitroworm infestation, and is punishable to the fullest extent of the law, as per the Philadelphia Prenatal Contract.
- Remove the softgel Vitroworm capsule from its insulated packaging.
- Swallow with warm water.
- Eat only your Physician-prescribed diet for the next seventy-two (72) hours. Any food or beverage not prescribed by your Physician may affect the performance of your Vitroworm.
- Your Vitroworm Solution must be consumed with every meal, as scheduled by your Physician.
- Avoid strenuous activity for seventy-two (72) hours.
- After twelve (12) hours, the Vitroworm will have made its way into Subject’s bloodstream. Subject will begin to feel a warming sensation in the abdominal region.
- If you do not feel a warming sensation after twelve (12) hours, Link your Physician.
- After twenty-four (24) hours, the Vitroworm will have made its way into your womb. The warming sensation will dissipate, followed by a period of numbness.
- If the burning sensation does not dissipate, Link your Physician.
- After forty-eight (48) hours, Link your Physician and update him/her on your progress.
- After forty-eight (48) hours, consumption of Vitroworm Solution is unnecessary, unless otherwise instructed by your Physician.
WARNING! Beyond this point, it is possible for Subject to feel suggestions of doubt, nausea, or depression. Use a Feed Unit to Link your Physician if ANY of these symptoms occur. If Subject is experiencing depression, it is permissible to Link your Psychiatrist.
- After sixty (60) hours, the Vitroworm has entered the fetus’s bloodstream. Subject may feel minor physical discomfort. Do not consume any pain inhibitors, as they will interfere with the Vitroworm’s metabolism.
- Link your Physician. Unless instructed otherwise, proceed to your Lavatory. No food or beverage is to be consumed for the duration of the Birthing procedure.
- Subject is to straddle the Commode with legs splayed. Set up your Birthing Receiver Unit given to you by your Physician. Failure to properly set up your Birthing Receiver Unit may result in accidental spilling that neither your Physician nor UHealth MultiCorp is responsible for.
- Severe pain may be experienced shortly before ejaculation of the Vitroworm and undigested fetal material. Do not consume any pain inhibitors.
- Ejaculation may take as long as thirty (30) minutes. Wait at least forty-five (45) minutes after initial ejaculation before removing yourself from the Commode. Failure to wait at least forty-five (45) minutes may result in accidental spilling that neither your Physician nor UHealth MultiCorp is responsible for.
- Flush Vitroworm and fetal material. Repeated flushings may be required.
- Thoroughly cleanse your Commode and Birthing Receiver Unit with the Disinfectant provided to you by your Physician. If accidental spilling has occurred, thoroughly sanitize all surfaces of your Lavatory.
- Once cleanup has been completed, Link your Physician. Follow the relaxation and dieting instructions given to you.
- Do not consume any non-Physician prescribed food or drink before seventy-two (72) hours after original consumption of the Vitroworm.
- Wait at least six (6) months before consuming another Vitroworm.
YOUR VITROWORM AND YOU!
A FRIENDLY GUIDE TO VITROWORM CONSUMPTION
For beginners, Vitroworm consumption can be a frightening process. What exactly does my Vitroworm do? What can I expect while my Vitroworm is inside of me? Are there any lasting side effects? We at UHealth MultiCorp have created this pamphlet to answer your important questions, and to help bring you the fullest enjoyment possible from your Vitroworm experience!
Q: Is my Vitroworm dangerous to my overall health?
A: As long as the guidelines and safety regulations established in the Vitroworm Consumer Instructions are followed fully and accurately, potential danger to the Subject is kept to a minimum. All guidelines and regulations have been approved by the Philadelphia Physician Institute. (UHealth MultiCorp is bound by the restrictions and regulations of the Philadelphia Prenatal Contract.)
Q: How much pain will I experience after consuming my Vitroworm?
A: Unfortunately, the Vitroworm consumption process may result in unintentional discomfort. UHealth Multicorp has closely consulted with the Philadelphia Physician Institute to ensure that the process is as painless as possible. Your Physician may provide additional UHealth-approved instructions to ease possible discomfort.
Q: What will happen if I do not rigidly follow the Vitroworm Consumer Instructions conveniently supplied to me?
A: Failure to comply explicitly with the Vitroworm Consumer Instructions is not only illegal, and punishable under the guidelines established in the Philadelphia Prenatal Contract, but can also result in unintentional side-effects, such as: incomplete digestion of the fetal material, or the total failure thereof; internal bleeding; environmental contamination; fatigue; accidental spilling; and personal harm. (This list is not intended to be full or complete. Consult your Physician or nearest UHealth Multicorp representative if you have further questions.)
Q: Are there any lingering side effects from Vitroworm consumption?
A: In certain cases, Subjects have experienced the following side effects days, weeks, or months after Vitroworm consumption: pain of the abdominal or inguinal regions; fatigue; depression; thoughts of suicide; restlessness; and insomnia. (This list is not intended to be full or complete. Should any side effects occur, consult your Physician or Psychiatrist immediately.)
Q: Where can I go if I have further questions concerning my Vitroworm experience?
A: If you have questions at any stage in the process, you can simply Link your Physician. All Physicians are UHealth-certified, and are expertly trained to handle every situation that may arise.
Thank you for choosing UHealth Multicorp! We hope that your Vitroworm consumption experience will be everything that you have expected—and more!
Daniel Davis was born and raised in Central Illinois. He is the Nonfiction Editor for The Prompt Literary Magazine. You can follow him at www.dumpsterchickenmusic.blogspot.com, or on Facebook.