Ten Things that Piss Me Off About My Neighbor’s Cat Phil, Who Is Staring Through the Window at Me, Mewing, While I Write This


1. How did that cat get in here? Goddamn it, Phil, I paid a lot for that couch. It is NOT your litterbox/scratching post, you fucking shitbird.
2. Phil, you will never kick that other cat’s ass. Especially not at 2 in the morning.
3. No, Phil, the dead bird on my welcome mat is not going to pay me back for my lost sleep/fucked-up couch.
4. This is the third computer keyboard I’ve had since Phil decided that it’s a proper place for a nap.
5. Cheez-Its, Phil? Seriously? It’s not a proper snack for a cat. If you want to eat something, try out the goddamned mouse who’s also been eating my Cheez-Its.
6. Cat hair on everything. Cat hair inside my mouth.
7. Did I mention I’m allergic to cats? Or at least to Phil.
8. I haven’t met the woman who supposedly owns Phil, but I hate her. That voice! “Phi-i-i-l! Come get your kitty yum-yums!” When she shouts, I can see the hair raising on Phil’s back.
9. The claw marks on my shins/forearms are finally healing. So… yeah.
10. Phil… is my only friend.