Made you look.
How were your holidays? I personally got stuck in this 19th century hellhole with cold temperatures and inbred rednecks pumping out babies like a yeast infection in a sugar factory. I know some people love Christmas, but some people loved the Vietnam war, too.
While cruising around on my WikiReader and praying for an airline to fall out of the sky and hit my poorly constructed economy hotel, I stumbled across the holiday of Takanakuy, which sounds goddamn genius.
Listen to this: Takanakuy is a Quechua holiday that loosely translates to “when the blood is boiling.” It conveniently takes place on December 25th, so that’s easy to remember. Basically, people get completely loaded up on alcohol, dress up as slave masters and spirit animals, and then march into town and beat the shit out of each other. Dig:
The procession to the fighting site starts with a high pitched falsetto through the streets. The procession is family oriented as a preparation for the young children who will see the violent fights later on in the day. Children also dress up for the occasion, usually resembling their father’s character. The purpose of the fighting is to settle conflicts with an individual, friend, family member or to settle territorial conflicts that have come up throughout the year.
I know that American culture already practices similar rituals involving Wal-Mart employees and people wanting a good deal on an XBox, but it seems like something more similar to this Andean custom would be big here in the US. People pay insane amounts of money on MMA pay-per-views, and the movie Fight Club is a goddamned sacrament to an entire generation. Maybe next year, instead of dressing up as an obese man from the Arctic circle, we could all march down to the city square and beat the fuck out of each other. Any takers?
The Iceman stars Michael Shannon, who you may remember as Eliot Ness wannabe Nelson Van Alden in HBO’s Boardwalk Empire, playing contract hit man Richie Kuklinski, a dubber of porn films who is discovered by gangster Roy Demeo (Ray Liotta) and turned into a contract killer. Demeo is impressed by how unimpressed Kuklinski is by the prospect of his own death.
In the meantime, we get to see Kuklinski woo his bride, Deborah (Winona Ryder). Deborah is wonderfully clueless about Kuklinski’s trade. She thinks he’s a currency trader. He lies to her about his life, and she pretends like she believes him. They have two girls, who he dotes on.
The movie doesn’t get really good until the second act, when Kuklinski teams up with fellow lunatic Mr. Freezy (Chris Evans, who finally gets to act in something that isn’t a superhero movie). Mr. Freezy drives around in an ice cream truck, blowing people up, poisoning them and then preserving the bodies in a meat locker until he can dump them months later.
I’ve said too much already… Go watch this movie, and then report back here for your debriefing.